Doctored Up

As an actor, one thing the majority of actors rarely talks about is the survival job. We'd usually rather pretend that our serving/admin/telemarketing/bankteller/receptionist job or other menial servitude doesn't exist. 

Well, I have four. 

One of my survival jobs for the past three years has been working as a standardized patient, or in layperson's terms, I play pretend and use my acting skills for medical school, vet school, dental school and law school simulations for the betterment of our country's future lawyers and medical professionals.  It's a really fun job most of the time.  I have given birth to water-filled rubber babies, I have been a bank executive, I have been a pregnant teen smoker... Always a fun new challenge. 

I have been doing a lot of these lately, and this week I have had three full physicals a day.  I'm happy to say that the first year medical students say I'm healthy, but then again, they don't always phrase things in a way that's entirely appropriate.  And some things, taken out of context, can sound downright dirty. 

So, I present to you:

"Ten Things I've Heard As A Standardized Patient That Sound Extremely Dirty)"

1.  I'm just going to come from around the back.

2. Nice vasculature!

3. Can you turn around and bend forward?

4. I just have to get under your pantyline.

5. You have a really great optic disc.

6. I'm going to stick my hand in your mouth.

7. This is everyone's least favorite part. (Pulls on rubber gloves)

8. You have a strong femoral pulse.

9. I'll give you something to swallow.

And, my personal favorite:

10.  Close your eyes.  I'm just going to rub this on you, and you tell me where you feel it.