A voice actor’s worst nightmare.
No, not airplanes (I’m looking at you, Josh Alexander).
No, not snowblowers, lawnmowers, or the neighbor’s dachshund.
The other one.
LOSING YOUR VOICE
Some people experience this a lot. My college roommate had it happen frequently.
In contrast, I have only totally lost my voice twice in my life. Once when I had mono and a staph infection in my throat (not fun).
The other time was a few years ago when I caught some mystery virus that was going around. I didn’t even feel sick. At first my voice was just a little hoarse. And by the next day, the day I was SUPPOSED to do a solo cabaret set with one of my close friends, my voice was GONE. Like, just: Not. There.
Then there was another time, when I almost lost my voice working as a princess at Mall of America. One Saturday shift of shouting over children all day, and I cried the whole 45 minute drive home, barely able to rasp out a word. I swore I’d never work a Saturday shift again.
So far, this time, I am able to speak, but I can feel the strain when I do and know I shouldn’t. So, I’m not, except when I have to. I finished an e-learning job for an ongoing client, with some difficulty. I did a directed session. But I’ve stopped auditioning for now.
It’s a weird feeling to lose your voice.
I always get oddly emotional when I can’t talk.
Being able to express myself is so much a part of me, that an ex once told me (not in a positive way): “You talk ALL THE TIME. You even talk in your sleep! You’re like a radio station, broadcasting 24/7.”
It’s not untrue, even if his censure of it stung.
I have something to say about almost everything. Thoughts. Opinions. And STORIES. I have a story for almost any topic you could think of.
I am also super extroverted, so to be cut off from using my voice is also extremely isolating. I’m already isolated, working from home every day, but to not be able to have a conversation is even worse.
My roommate is coming back into town tonight, and I’ve already warned him not to expect me to speak. Because he’s a talker, and when I get around other talkers, all I want to do is talk to them. Like a dancing marathon, or one of those contests where you can’t take your hand off the car and whoever stays longest gets the car, except it’s talking. Or like Mr. Smith Goes to Washington filibuster-level shit. Hell, I’d be GREAT at a good old fashioned filibuster.
In the meantime, I don’t really know what to do with myself, except for massaging my larynx, drinking copious amounts of hot beverages, and cleaning crevasses of my house that haven’t been touched in years (like the sides of the stove top between the stove and the counter where all the crumbs fall—yeah, I just cleaned THAT).
It seems that taking away the thing that I do 24/7 has left me with a whole lotta time to fill, and a weird untethered feeling.
I spent five hours baking cookies the other day. For whom? No idea. I’m not going to eat them all. I made paper snowflakes. I’ll probably dig out and organize my closets before this is all over.
A couple of thoughts on this whole thing:
Don’t take your voice for granted.
Or your arms. Or your pinky toes. Or your ability to touch your toes, or your eyesight. Any of these could go away at any time, temporarily or permanently. Take good care of them. Take care of yourself.
Your voice is only one way to express yourself.
I might not have my actual voice right now, but you know what I do have? My metaphorical “voice.” I haven’t written my blog in months (i.e. used my own voice) because I’ve been too busy talking for other people (i.e. speaking for my clients). This is a good reminder to balance those things. If I can’t talk, I can write. Or make visual art. Or do interpretive dance (though with interpretive dance, there’s always the danger of your message being…misinterpreted).
Burnout is real.
A few weeks ago, I had a mental burnout. I recovered, and felt like I had just gotten back on track when this happened. I feel like this some trickster god saying “HA HA! Lowly mortal, you might be able to fool yourself into thinking that, but you can’t fool me.” I was definitely still going too hard and not giving myself enough recovery time, namely actual non-sleep rest/relaxation and also physical exercise. I’m hydrated. I’m eating healthy. I get enough sleep. But all of that was barely powering the amount of work I was doing.
Limiting beliefs suck.
And they are also very hard to overcome. When you grow up poor, you are trained to believe that you need to work hard all of the time and that if you rest, things will fall apart. (At least, that’s what I gleaned from it.) And if things are still a struggle, you just need to work more, and work harder, because you’re just not working hard enough. It’s a really sucky belief to have, and if you also have this belief, then you have my empathy, because there comes a point where we all just don’t have anything more to give. No more time. No more stamina. And no more voice.
I don’t want any advice. Seriously. I’m drinking the tea, using my humidifier, not talking unless I have to, massaging my larynx (as I mentioned before), using heating pads and ibuprofen, and I’m making an appointment with an ENT to make sure nothing’s truly broken. Words of support are fine, but please no advice. I’m good.
What do I want?
Just to connect, to share. That’s it. Always. I just want to connect and share with people.
It helps me to write about the things I struggle with or have struggled with, and feel like I’m helping others not to feel alone.
Occasionally, I’ll get messages from you all out there telling me that my posts resonate with you, and then THAT makes me not feel alone. I got a message like this from my Canadian friend Steven Snyder the other day, and it made my day.
Well, that’s about it for now…I definitely have marketing I can do. And some tax preparation for the coming year. Aaaaand maybe there’s another large appliance I can clean around.
My nights will be silent for a while, but this is a good reminder that my physical voice is not the only voice I can employ, and there are other things to do besides talking, and that even 24 hour radio stations have commercial breaks and pre-recorded segments.
Happy Holidays, friends!
Billie Jo
A little addendum: I meant to post this last weekend, but then I lost another communication method (my Facebook account was blocked for some mysterious reason) so most of this is now out of date. My voice has started to return, and feels much better than it did only two days ago. I’ve even returned to auditioning finally after a week and a half away, but I’m taking it super easy for now. It feels good to have both my voice and my Facebook account back.